Long time no talk ehhh

So, long time no talk i apoligize i guess i totaly forgot about something that once gave me such comfert,I met a boy he has ammazing eyes,he inspires me and makes me laugh. I like being in love its fun,it makes you relize you really do have something to fight for.I want to spend a long time with someone who makes me laugh. Giggly and bubbly are the correct words for it. so its highschool theres always drama,theres always the queen B, Lots of people say highschool isnt as bad as it seems. Let me say i beg to differ. but what if we change the whole thing around. what if people were nice to evreyone. why doesnt anyone dream big anymore. why dont they want to touch the sky i guess we all grew up and lost hope we feed into the drama just to get that extra attention that we all so desperatly need. Its lame well i dont have time to right much but maybe later.

so this morning im supposed to get up in 4 hours to head out on a road trip.but i couldnt find myself to lay me head down before writting.
i talked to the girl who slept with my exboyfriend and it sucked because i gave in and forgave her. after all she did and then when i ask her are u going to do it again she says no...well idk well i dunno if i can hold back on slapping you right across your face.....welll wtf?
i was thinking after all of these is it bad karma or is it really just stupid people and then know she tells me that she likes him this is all bullcrap and it draws me so far away from him like i didnt even kno my first love like i fell in love with some stranger and its just so stupid and kinda ultimitly embarrising. its like i ment nothing to him i changed my whole life around i shut my bestfriend out for 5 months and my world was wrapped around him AND IT SUCKS now that i look back at it i gained nothing but a heartache and my friends all going after him a terrible mess i just wanted to end it right there so i cut myself it was my only way to redemtion. today he cant even find the balls to reply to an email i sent him hes getting worse and worse and it /= it sucks really bad and i dont know what to do because im so far away and i cant put my footdown like that would help anyway but still i dont know what to think. i mean what do you say or do about the boy that swept you off your feet and then dropped you on the concrete as hard as he could....nothing you dont say anything because you cant handle anymore of it...he tells you he loves you right before you leave and then the next day hes sleeping with your bestfriend who judged evreyone else for getting with him...makes no scense right....infact its so gay that people can live with them selveds like that cause i kno i couldnt if i betrayed a friend like that i couldnt just say oh yea im sorry i would be living im sorry but then again i wouldnt have to because i would never do that and people say oh yea well it was a mistake but one of the best told me you dont make a mistake twice....wow intresting right....all of this shit is screwd up and i am 87974978648126484 billion mls away from that place and im thanking god that i am because i dont think emotionaly i could handle that it would be utterly repolsive and i would go mental on evreybody.....i wouldnt be able to sleep evreything would come crashing down on me without a warning something i couldnt handle it felt like evrey onch of me is bruised when i heard about it all and now its driving me crazzii literly i am up at 3:00 writting about this well what a shocker the stuff that drives us crazziii these days and makes us pry our eyes open///all i have to say is i am scared and i dont know how to handle it i mean i have friends but not close friends so i have no one to talk to because there alll in england which drives me nutty i just dont know what to do anymore and i dont even miss him anymore its just her and the thought of her and him blahhhhhhhhhh so the big deal is the friend issue i dont care if u sleep with him and ur not my friend or if i didnt kno u when u did it but if i do and ive known you for longer than two years its such a no no and girls are becoming hoes and just giving themselves out for no reason because they think its okay and lets be honest its not and its defintly not okay to do it with your friends exboyfriend....i dunno its crazziiii and im going to bed now if u have any comments to help me please doo because its driving me insane and i have no clue how to deal with this....

That first step you take is your longest right,

early morning thoughts
Ive been waiting for my dreams to be turned into something. i could belive in .looking for that magic rainbow on that horizon i couldnt see it until i let go and gave in to love and watched all the bitterness burn and now im comming alive body to soul turning my world to love and all tase evrey moment and live it out loud and this is the time to be more than a face in the crowd this is the time of my life. holding onto a things that arnt finished which left me to piecec but rising from the ashes findimg my wings and what i neeed was there all along. as close to the beat of my heart and all taste evrey moment and live it out aloud this is the tim to be more than a name more than a face in the crowd its the time of my life and im not on the edge of forever ready to run keeping my feet on the ground arms open wide and face towards the sun and all taste evrey moment and live it aloud and this is the time to be more than a name and more than a face in the crowd this is the time of my life.<3>

my saying-never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the Game-

I woke up this morning in a good mood and ready for an update.
Last night i cried i cried my eyes out for reasons. my first reason was i relized no matter what i do i cant get nathan out of my heart. and i so desperatly need to.. ive loss my inside
life seems to be falling apart around us
yesterday all i wanted to do is be back in england. i woke up and i was tired and restless
then i went through messages old messages that showed me the love i once had
and then i broke down at 12:50 am i dont kno why this blog helps me but oh dear it sure give me great comfort.

the only thing that could make this any better is that if it told me how much of an idiot i am for still letting this dude eat my heart out.

i learned that family can make u laugh so hard. I love being surrounded by them there so funny lol and they dont even care what you say they still love u anyway imagine the world being one big happy family wow that would be such a dream.

speking of dreams i wanted to dream today who knows maybe i will but i dont see it happening i want to dream to my full extent today i spent most of it not as i planned but it was still a great day to be alive.

they told me life would pass you by so far im only going so far and giving into love ive watched evreything come to life like ive been trpped all these yeard evreything seems more than a million and soon all be ready to grow old and tell me story so make sure you make your story a great one.

i feel accomplishes these days more than others summer has hit me and its a close to the beat of my heart and im starting to live my moments out loud and im going to live with my head held high with a smile on my face

more than a name more than a name more than a face inthe crowd

so today i leanrned the odds of people.
i learned i hate being judged
i learned that i want my best friend to be okay
i want the world to be known as safe for that i kno will never happen i want evreything to be perfect.
i want a perfect bikini body. i long to be pretty and i long for the perfect guy
i dream of perfection and light.
i wish i didnt have to go through all the stuff i went through with nathan.he was amazing but hes no good im scared.
ive learned how to moove on and it only took 6 months.
i want to know that i can fully recover from the heartache
i want to kno that the love and lust we had is put to rest
you sleep with my friends you do weed and u scare me
my love for you is still like a flicker of light but grasping wind for no reason.
ive learned a few rules

• never let a boy be your evreything
• dont let the person in your way be your regreat
• dont let the candle grasp the wind
• always tell your bestfriend you love her

The truth is im scared i fill the bricks on my body just comming down on me and people tell me its just a phase but i do not belive that for no reasons possible. being scared isnt a phase at one time or another you will be scared.scared for the truth scared to learn what is told to be the truth.and leaving the light on at night cause ur scared of whats under the bed.light is something i value and i dont kno why maybe im scared of the dark who knows

the ugly truth

i posted a bulleten about this girl who sleept with my exboyfriend and i actually dont think i ever want to speak to her again and i wouldnt mind its terrible and i dont like her at all and she didnt just do it once she did it more than once its disgusting and i hate her well i dont hate her i dont hate anybody i really just dont like her i wish life was back to normal evreything is just terrible right now.not to mention my ex boyfriend can play anygirl he wants and get away with it and others of us dont want to sit here and watch it its terrible and repulsing and im sick of it he used to be my inspiration he used to leave me brealthless with evrey word and evrey touch and evreything he did and know i hate him

somebody reach out and help